Part 1: Berlin
This was this week’s feel-good song. Simple, yet amazing. For me, at least.
-End Part 1-
Part 2: Med School Related Sporadic Thoughts.
I do not claim coherence in this section, I simply seek release.
IntermoduleWeekend. DoneWithNeuroPsych. NotGonnaBecomeANeuro. NorAPsych. HmmmMaybeDevPed.
ThreeModulesLeft. Pulmo. GI. Renal. TheseAreTimesThat’llKeepOnTrying.
HowManyModulesGone? BDI. Ther. Hema. Optha. Orl. Derma. MSK. OB. Cardio. Endo. Immuno. Neuro. DidIMissOutOnAny?
AFewMoreMonthsOfHelLU-IV. It’sBeenATryingAndTiringYear. Can’tWaitToStartAnew. SeemsSoFast.
PastTheHalfwayPointOfImed. TwoAndAHalfSemsTilI’mMidwayThroughMed. MedIsLifelongLearning. 50%Science50%Art.
InTheEndIt’sTheScienceThat’llBeTheBasisOfAcceptanceAndEvaluationElsewhere. WillIBeAGoodDoctor. WillIBeEnough. DoubtsDoubtsDoubtsSelfDoubt. MaybeI’llDoBetterWhenI’mFacingThePatients. SoIKeepTellingMyself. WhatIfIDon’t. WhatIf. WhatIfAllIAmIsNotEnough.
Focus. GetBack. Redeem. CrossThatBridgeWhenWeGetThere. Doesn’tMeanICan’tPrepare.
HashtagRarelyDoIFeelLost.
-End of Part 2-
Part 3: Wherein I give mention of what should be in this Part.
I was supposed to write about something I did earlier this week. Something I did not expect I would do, something I’m not sure I expected I could do, and not at all in the way I was hoping to do it. I don’t regret doing what I did, I just didn’t expect myself to do it. Why didn’t I expect it? Well, for one, I was hoping for it to be more pre-mediated, and with some build-up of sorts, rather than abruptly out of the blue such as what had happened. Secondly, I was not at all mentally prepared for it. I was a mess. A horrible, nervous, panicky, tachycardic, mess. Somehow I always imagined I’d be able to do it confidently, and, well, not that messy. Thirdly, it was borne out of a level of impulsivity that I do not normally associate myself with. Like I said. I was hoping for it to be more pre-mediated. This one was a moment that was borne out of panic and indecision, such that when the moment presented itself, my mind panicked and shouted, “GO FOR IT!” And go for it I did. Messily and much to my humiliation. Though I admit that it my mind’s sudden push may have been subconsciously pre-mediated by a line from a webcomic I read that I saw the night before. It went along the lines of,
“You’re never gonna be happy if you go through life just letting things happen to you. You gotta DO stuff. And if you don’t know what you WANNA do, you gotta try a bunch of different things or you’ll never find out.”
So yeah, I guess deep down my subconscious decided that it was time just try and do and just ask that simple question that was actually so hard to ask. I guess subconsciously, I was tired of waiting to see how life would deal me chances and decided that I should just grab the opportunity. So anyway, I got the Yes. The Golden Yes. Along with a subsequent Panic Attack due to the exhilaration and stress of the event and the shock and surprise that I actually did it and got a Yes. And I honestly think that I have never had a panic attack like that ever before, not even for exams or OSCEs. So yeah. Intense. Haha.
Sadly, or rather happily, that’s only part of the battle won. Since, now I have the Yes, I now need to overcome my awkwardness, my generally unapparent shyness, and gain some confidence within the next half week so that I don’t mess up this golden opportunity, because I feel like this is a make-or-break, a chance to make a good impression. I don’t want to mess this up. I need to do right. And I must NOT be awkward. I must not get tongue-tied. Not like I did this morning. Ugh. I hated myself for that. I need the confidence. Heck. I need to grow a pair. cause F yeah, I want to do this right.
And this is where I realize that despite resigning myself to not being able to write about what I wanted to write about, I was able to by not forcing myself to do it. Oh the irony.
And I guess, I just now realize that really, in the end, my biggest enemy is myself.
So no more having to do this right. I WILL do this right.
I hope.
So here’s to taking that chance, to taking that leap, because guess what, I’ve already leapt, it’s all about the plunge now.
-End of Part 3-
